I Was She
by SolitudeInk
Summary: Sophie/Sian. Rated M for future chapters. Set a couple of years in the future. Sophie and Sian struggle to deal with how they feel for each other in a complicated situation.
1. Chapter 1

**Sophie/Sian.**

**Warning: Some strong language.**

**I own nothing.**

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"You running away _again_ ?" I heard her whisper sadly. I jumped slightly not knowing I'd woken her.

I turned around, clothes in hand to look at her. God, she's so beautiful. What the hell am I doing? Her dark hair covered the pillow she lay on and she clutched the covers to her body.

"Yes." I finally whisper. I was. Running again. Always running.

My heart was breaking and she knew it. She _knew_ this was killing me. This was fucking killing me...

"I..." I began not knowing at all what I was planning to say. I could say I was sorry because I was. I was so sorry for doing this to her, for making her feel this way. I knew it was breaking her heart too.

Sophie sat up, still holding the covers to her tightly and switched on the small lamp on the table beside the bed. The room was flooded with the light and we both had to blink a few times to adjust to it. She was crying. I always make her cry... I... I always make her cry. I hate it. So much, I hate it.

"Soph..." I manage to choke out. And she gets that face she gets everytime I'm with her because somehow I always manage to fuck something up. There are tears streaming down her cheeks but she's screaming inside. She's holding everything inside because she doesn't want me to see what I do to her because she knows it'll kill me. And that's exactly what I deserve.

Shaking her head, Sophie looks away from me and down at the bed covers.

"Soph..." I say and I cry. My body shakes a few times first as I desperately try to hold it together but as soon as a tear slips from my eye I start sobbing. My arm flies up to cover my mouth and I drop the t-shirt I had picked up from the floor a few minutes ago.

Sophie hears me sobbing and looks over at me in the same state I'm in but somehow she still looks beautiful. I don't go to her and she doesn't come to me. We watch each other sob knowing if either of us said anything or tried to comfort the other, one of us would break and Sophie knew just as well as I did that it would have been me although I'd never admit it to her and she'd never say it.

Eventually the crying stopped. Of course, Sophie was able to regain her composure first. She was so much stronger than me.

"Don't say it, Sian." She begged me as I bent down to pick up my t-shirt. "Don't say it."

She couldn't understand what I was doing - I sometimes couldn't either - and she didn't belive a word I said to her anymore. Sophie made the face she made when she was about to cry and I had to stop myself from going to her.

"Don't say it." She sobbed.

I shook my head as more tears spilled from my eyes.

"I love you, Soph." I say and I weep. I turn to leave.

"Liar!" She screams then begins sobbing again.

I can't look back at her. Shame and guilt overcome me and as soon as the door shuts softly behind me, and I slump to the floor not able to breathe for the cries that are coming from me.


	2. Chapter 2

'm not allowed to speak to her. I'm not allowed to go near her. If I go over to her flat she'll kill me. So, here I am, standing outside her flat just praying that she'll actually do what she vowed to.

That would just be so much easier. It would save us both so much pain.

I wait outside the door for most of an hour thinking about what to say, thinking about what she'll say, thinking about what'll happen. Finally, when I can't think any longer, I rap shakily on the door and wait nervously. Sophie opens the door slowly and before I can even look at her properly she's gone and I'm staring at it again. My heart sinks further than I knew it could. This has happened too may times. I seriously consider whether or not to knock again but before I can decide, the door flies open and Sophie hurls some of my clothes at me with such force they nearly knock me backwards when they hit me. I left the clothes there deliberately. As an excuse to go back there. I'd never admitted that to her but she knew.

'Don't cry. Don't cry.' I reminded myself repeatedly as I bend down to gather my clothes with shaking hands. I didn't do such a good job of picking them up because I gave up and threw them at the walls, crashing to the floor with my hands buried in my hair. Fucking don't cry. I warn myself again, looking up at the ceiling in an attempt to stop the tears I know are going to come no matter how much I don't want them to. Moments later I'm sobbing, slumped against the cold wall clutching my hair in my hands.

I don't want this. I can't do this to her. How must she fucking feel right now with me sitting outside crying my eyes out? Again. Does she even know I'm still here? She loves me. I know she loves me even if she never says it anymore. Why would she want to say that? I fucking hate this! Oh, God, I hate this. Sophie wont let me in. She wont let me in.

"Fuck!" I cursed feeling utterly hopeless, throwing my head back against the wall.

Sophie can't actually want me here...why am I here then? If she doesn't want me then there's no point even being here. There's no point in... there's no point in anything. Wiping my face with the back of my hand, I rise slowly feeling dizzy and sick and not having a clue what to do. I don't want my stupid clothes. I don't want the stupid shirt she got me. Or the fucking jeans she used to wear. I don't want anything anymore. I hear a click behind me and turn to see Sophie standing behind the door, using it as a sort of shield to protect herself from me.

Except her, I say inside my head knowing that no matter what happens it'll always be true. I'll always want Sophie. I'll always need her.

I stare at her for a few seconds, never wanting to look anywhere else despite the circumstances. I know she's just been crying but...God, she is beautiful. I realize as she pulls the door open slightly, that I haven't taken a breath since it opened. I don't think she has either. Leaving the door as it is, Sophie disappears inside leaving me free to make a choice. And if the doors open she wants me. Or at least she wants to talk to me. So, without considering, I shuffle inside closing the door silently behind me.

The flat is dark but warm. Her TVs' on but I know she wouldn't have been watching it. I decide not to ask her why there are no lights on mainly because I know this place like the back of my hand and could walk around blindfolded and not bump into a thing. I can make out Sophie sitting on the arm of the sofa and I move towards her. A couple of seconds pass without a sound except the clicking clock in the kitchen that seems to be ticking slower than it would normally.

"Soph?" I breathed breaking the silence hardly recognizing my voice.

Sophie doesn't reply straight away instead she slides gracefully from the arm of the sofa onto the seat and then tells me to come over to her. And I do without thinking. Once I'm seated as far away from her as the sofa will allow, unsure if I'd be pushing it sitting closer, I rub my sweating palms along my thighs and wait for the awkward tension to be broken.

"You're breaking my heart, again." Sophie admitted almost casually.

"I know." I answer her. "You're breaking mine."

Scoffing and folding her arms defensively across her stomach, she says "You're breaking your heart."

"Yeah." I whisper knowing that she's half right but not wanting another fight.

"Do you love me?" Sophie asks sounding like she doesn't want to hear the answer. "Don't lie to me." She adds before I respond.

"Yes." I tell her and edge closer to her on the sofa desperately wanting to hold her, to comfort her.

"Soph, look at us. It's you and me forever, you must know that now. I know we're killing each other and this is so messed up but it doesn't matter...it doesn't matter if we love each other. I've never stopped loving you through any of this Soph and I can't believe you actually need to ask me if I love you." I explain to her getting the courage to move closer and rest my hand on her knee.

"I'm so sorry for hurting you, Sophie. You know I'll never forgive myself but I can't not be with you. Sophie, I'm asking you, I'm begging you for one last chance. I promise you, I'll never hurt you and I'll never let you down again. Just give me another chance to show you that I'll do anything for you. You know I will. I love you, Soph, please, please don't throw this away..." I beg now gripping onto her hand.

"Sian..." Sophie whimpers in a quiet voice trying not to cry and I can just hear her tell me it's over for good this time, that I don't deserve a second chance.

"No, Soph." I cry sliding off of the sofa and resting between her legs. "Don't do this." I plead taking her other hand and holding them both to my chest. Sophie just looks at me.

"Soph, please don't." I continue in my shaky voice. "I'll do anything. Sophie, please."

"Sian..." She chokes out then clears her throat and says my name again making sure I heard her.

"Yes?" I whisper pleading her with my eyes not to leave me.

"I...I..." Sophie stops groaning and letting out a cry of frustration at the same time. "I love you." She whimpers and lets out another cry.

I can feel it. She loves me. Sophie loves me and suddenly I can breathe again and my head magically clears and a weight lifts off of my shoulders. Sophie loves me. I let out a massive sight of relief and bury my head in her lap smiling for the first time in a long time. Sophie holds my head, stroking my hair softly telling me she loves me again. I look up at her and her eyes are shining down on me. I have her again and I'm never going to let her go. I'm never going to make her cry again.


End file.
